Words by Tara Wagner

How to Build CONFIDENCE In Yourself and Your Abilities

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In this blog I’m gonna teach you how to build confidence in yourself and your abilities, so you can ditch that freaking imposter syndrome once and for all. We’re going to talk about how to build confidence in yourself and your abilities with 4 new habits and a few mindset shifts.

Watch here or read below.

My last blog was all about the 10 signs of a self-confident woman. This blog is going to show you how to get there.

The first thing that you need to know, before we even get into those four habits,  you must know that confidence is a muscle.

If you want to get big and buff, you don’t go to the gym one time and then expect to be super strong and lifting all the big weights. If you want to stay strong you go again and again and again. You don’t go for a year and then think, “I’ve made it, I’ve done it and I never need to do it again. I’m just gonna be set up for the rest of my life.”

That’s not the way it works.

You need to really think of confidence or any sort of mindset shifts that you’re wanting to create as a muscle. These are things that we need to be doing on a daily, weekly, and consistent basis to get strong in.

This is why I’m talking about “four habits”, not “four steps” because you’re not gonna be like 1, 2, 3, 4, nailed it. You’re gonna be like habit, habit, habit, habit and then repeating it, habit, habit, habit, habit.

You want to get this to be an actual habit.

You need to be practicing these four things over and over again so that you can build that confidence muscle, and you can also keep it strong.

Habit #1: Work on your skills 

Confidence habit #1 is to work on your skills.

Everybody wants to think that confidence is just a mindset game, but it’s not. Real confidence is about knowing that you have the skill and the experience to do the thing that you wanna do.

But here’s the thing, you can’t learn these things in a sterile environment.

If you’re just trying to add letters behind your name before you go out and do the thing you really wanna do, you’re never gonna actually build that confidence. You’re always going to be taking “one more course” and getting “one more certificate” before you “finally feel confident,” but you’re not going to actually feel real confidence.

The only way that we feel confident is not by more training, but by more practice and experience.

Getting out of the sterile learning environment and getting into the real world and putting our skills to the test, even if we’re not perfect at it – even if we don’t nail it – even if we’re gonna be kind of terrible – we’re gonna build that confidence through actual practice in the real world.

This is habit #1; constantly putting yourself out there and practicing your skills to get really, really good at them. That’s how you’re going to start building confidence in your abilities.

Habit #2: Ask for feedback (not approval)

Habit #2 is to ask for feedback, and specifically feedback, not approval.

Asking for feedback means asking the right questions of the right people and in the right ways.

Asking for approval is like saying, “Is this good enough?”  But asking for feedback is saying, “What do you like about this? What’s working? What’s meeting your needs here? What would you like to see more of? What would you like to see less of?” 

What you’re NOT doing is asking, “Am I doing a good job at this?”, or, “Is this okay?”

This is more like interviewing or surveying people and less like seeking approval.

Because remember, if you don’t approve of yourself first, who cares if anyone else does?

If you can start from that place of self-approval and then interview and survey and get feedback on how you can do what you’re doing even better, that’s what you’re going for. That’s the habit that will grow your confidence.

Habit #3: ask loved ones what you’re really great at

The third way to build confidence in yourself is to ask other people what you’re really good at.

Now, this is less of a habit, because you’re not gonna do it on a daily basis (that could get annoying.) You’re going to do this on a semi-regular basis, maybe once a year, once every two years, or maybe just from time to time when you see that the timing is right.

Now, I got this recommendation from one of my coaches, Mel Pharr. She actually had me reach out to business associates, people that I was working with, people on my team, trusted friends and family, and ask them a series of questions to gain feedback.

The reason that she had me do this is because sometimes you can’t see what’s right in front of you. But when you can start to see yourself through somebody else’s lens … Oh my gosh, talk about a confidence boost!

Now you definitely have to do this with the right people. You wanna seek out people that are positive,  that are encouraging, and you want to seek out people who really know you in the capacity that you’re wanting the feedback on.

Here are a few questions that I asked that were incredibly enlightening to see myself from someone else’s perspective:

  • What are her specific strengths?
  • What comes so naturally she might not even realize she’s good at it?
  • What do you find yourself thinking about her?
  • What specific things come easily to her that she seems to enjoy doing?
  • What gifts does she offer the world?

I challenge you to put some questions like this out there to 5 or 10 people that you love and trust and that you know can offer you some invaluable feedback, because I will tell you, you might just be surprised what other people are seeing in you that you don’t see in yourself.

Habit #4: master your self-talk

And then habit #4 of how to build confidence in yourself is most definitely a daily habit, and that is to master your self-talk.

We need to be immersing ourselves in positivity anyway, but that most definitely includes the thoughts coming out of our head and the words coming out of our mouth. If we’re not working on those on a daily, consistent basis, I guarantee you, they’re spiraling down instead of lifting you up.

Every time you catch yourself saying something that is critical, something that is negative, something that is just tearing you down, I want you to stop yourself mid-sentence and turn those words around; say the exact opposite, say something positive and true about yourself.

If you don’t break this habit, nobody’s gonna break it for you. Very few people are going to correct you. People will start believing in you to the level that you believe in you.

Now if you’ve been hanging out with me for any amount of time, you know that some of the tools that I love for this include affirmations coupled with essential oils.

Essential oils have a way of creating a pattern interrupt in the emotions and the thought patterns within your limbic system. As you’re trying to write new thought patterns, it’s gonna help you to do that easily.

Now, if you are new to aromatherapy and how it does this, I have a guide called Sniff, Sniff, Affirm that you can download.

It goes through how these oils work, how to use them with affirmations, my favorite ones to use for different mindsets and struggles (specifically that female entrepreneurs will encounter), and there are affirmations that go along with each one, dozens of them.

If you would like that, you can get it by clicking the button below or click here for more details!

What about you, boss lady?

What have you done that has helped you to build confidence?

Share your favorite tips or resources in the comments below or any questions that you have and I’ll be sure to answer them.

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About the Author

Tara Wagner

I’m the breakthrough coach for self-employed women who are barely surviving their business. I help you to identify and overcome your old habits – both practical, as well as emotional and mental – learn a better way of approaching the work/life/family juggling act, and gain confidence in your new role in your growing businesses. Learn more about me here.

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